My Fight Song

You know when you listen to a song and it just hits differently all of a sudden because you are in a new mentality than last time you heard it?

Definitely had one of those moments recently.

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Last time I wrote, we were closing in on the end of week 2 of our current ‘quarantine’.. and now we are closing in on the end of week 6… I believe?

We started the first few weeks with essentially all TV binge-ing to pass the days by, but seeing as this is how I pretty much spent the last 6 months of my life, I started to get a bit burnt out. Music is always my next go-to outlet and it has been a great alternative! Some days when I need to get motivated and keep moving, it’s time to blast the tunes instead of tuning into the sitcoms. Can’t say my dog loves it as much as I do, but those belting from my gut moments seem to be the ones where I find the most clarity. Especially, being that I am a person that listens to songs over, and over, and over, and over… (you get the picture, my playlist is literally named “Alex Has Problems.”) Each new phase of growth or mental clarity brings a new perspective to the songs I have loved for so long and it can be really fun and exciting to see them in a new light; although sometimes it can be equally as painful to feel a different twist to their words. Navigating through a lot of mental baggage, it tends to be the latter. So, it is so freeing for me when it goes the opposite way. When the song now feels light and freeing; motivating and inspiring. Helping me find my mantra again.

Fight Song

Rachel Platten

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Know I've still got a lot of fight left in me

I’ve always loved this song, hence why it is on my repeat playlist. I was definitely raised with that “I am woman, hear me roar!” mentality so I felt it’s vibe. But honestly, I never really felt it to it’s core – because I had never felt like I had my voice taken away before now. Granted, it was myself that took it away but we can’t be that surprised – we’ve all heard the concept that after you’ve been through enough, you build walls to protect yourself from ever going through any of it again. It takes some serious acceptance and self reflection to realize how much those walls may be protecting you, but they are also deeply restricting you.

And that acceptance can be a son of a bitch.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I know for me – those walls didn’t go up in one swift movement. Much like the building of a cement paver wall or Army ants building a bridge to food, it happens one by one. Every new loss; whether it be yet another loved one, an expected adventure with a friend, a family pet, the concept of a father, or a first real business venture. Or each time I gave in to lies and deception created by my own mind’s reaction to what was happening around me. Every time I decided to sulk and stew in the pain instead of stretching and taking care of my body. It all felt like each one was literally pieces of me that were being ripped out and it seemed nobody fucking cared. How can they keep pulling at me when there is nothing left to give? The only self-defense mechanism I know is to build that wall taller than anyone and hide behind before they can get any more of what’s left.

Pretty shitty way to live, am I right?

Yet again, I can’t speak to the moment or revelation that took place – maybe I got fed up of watching enough life pass me by, or maybe I finally felt like I hid long enough to let some of the wounds heal and come into the light with some shred of confidence. No matter the reasoning, recently, I’ve tried to start taking down a few of the pavers. It’s a process and journey, that I am sure I will be on for years, and I am in no way near an expert in figuring out how to navigate it. I can only speak to my own experiences and the work I’ve done through each new stage that presents itself brings it’s own fears and challenges.

The first and biggest change for me, honestly, has been trying to learn to ask for help. Seems easy and like it should probably be the simplest concept, right? Well, in the words of my drunk, white girl, self “Psshh – bitch, please.” The last thing I wanted was help. I didn’t even want help from my fiance with the laundry that was piled higher than our bed. I didn’t want to laugh and cry through happy hour and long chats with girlfriends. I didn’t want to tell people how I was feeling and I sure as hell didn’t want them telling me how they thought I should handle it. Even when I reached out to outside services for help soon after my mother’s passing, I felt no real progress and even more lost than when I started. This time around, when I could no longer deny saying the tough things and asking for that hand, I suppose we can chalk it partially up to health insurance reinstatement for timing, but it also truly came from a place of desperation. The desperation in his eyes knowing I wouldn’t let him help no matter how much all of it hurt, the desperation in my heart to resemble someone my Momma used to know, the desperation to just feel anything else. Mustering up the strength is so worth it, babe, because the relief and ripple effect from that one little movement is almost indescribable. “Like a small boat, on the ocean, sending big waves, into motion”

The next biggest impact for me, has been to try to put a name or identifier to what I am feeling. Give it a name. Give it a face. Your thoughts and reactions are going to happen to you and, instantaneously, most of it out of your control. However, you do have to the power to slow down and attempt to assess what’s going on. Naming Anger and trying to figure out what he’s so pissy about. Someone said something ignorant on the internet? Remember, they are allowed their own opinion, too. Naming Sadness and maybe tearing up through the sting of the sweet memory that crosses our mind. Remember, you felt so loved in that moment. Naming the green monster Jealousy after scrolling past an array of seemingly picture perfect lives you wish you had. Remember, it comes from a place of admiration and someone, somewhere could be wishing the same thing about you. There is another beautiful power in simply identifying how you are feeling, give it it’s moment of validation, and then remind yourself what you know in your heart.

Now, as a reminder for all of us, healing is a never-ending journey and I have barely begun to scratch the surface. I’ve been trying my best to not put too much on my plate, which kind of leads me to the last point I am working through and focusing on; for now. And that is simply self-forgiveness and a little grace. At the end of the day, you will always be your biggest cheerleader, the person who understands you the most, and the only one who is responsible for you. Hopefully you have a strong team to stand in your corner as well, but ultimately, you are always going to be the one standing there. Dealing with the consequences of your actions, your decisions, and your inner thought processes. Clearly for awhile, I didn’t give two shits about the consequences. I brooded through month after month. Sometimes I stopped to question the lackadaisical attitude but quickly decided it was the lesser of two evils. But it’s really, really not. You are going to have to live with those inner monologues no matter what, right? So, with all the judgement and frustration in the world – why not make that your place of peace? And forgiveness? And grace? What if that could be the place you felt the safest and strongest, within yourself? I’m not saying it’s easy to get there by any means. I’m not even saying I’m there every day. I am saying that if you can find a place to try and will yourself to slow down and become your own best friend – you will be amazed at what can flourish.

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Music can be powerful, yo. I’m sure she expected something along those lines while writing something called “Fight Song” but I definitely had no idea what would come from it for me when I was adding it to the “Alex Has Problems” playlist for it to play me through the toughest times I had no clue were even coming.

Thanks, girl. You helped me find my fight song.